My kids are watching
8 values I hope they're picking up
My son is an introvert. Like me.
He can answer any question with one word. “How was your day?”
“Good,” he says.
But when it’s time to go to bed, he becomes a Chatty Cathy. So we’re lying there, intertwined like koalas, and he says to me, “I have so many hobbies.”
“Oh yeah?” I said.
“I love building, and puzzles, and reading, and tennis, and soccer and golf a little bit,” he says.
My eyes filled with tears, just like they are, again, as I write this. I realized that with all the hobbies I’ve been doing, my kids were absorbing that the things they enjoy are hobbies too. And, bigger picture, that hobbies are the foundation of a joyful life.
It was one of those rare moments, as a parent, when you think to yourself, I’m doing something very right.
Since I’ve become a parent, there seems to always be an emerging piece of research, or advice, or insight to remind me that I could be doing a better job of protecting, supporting, and molding my children.
But when I can shut off the cacophony of parenting advice—and stop overparenting—I realize I’m quite confident in what we are modeling in our house.
These are my values and they don’t have to be yours. So please take what’s useful, remembering that “useful” can come from both agreement and disagreement.
Here are 8 values that I’d love for my kids to take note of:
Mothers have adventures.
I want both of my kids to view parenthood as a delightful stage of life, not a limiting one. Twice a year, I travel to Denmark to conduct work/life balance research, typically for two weeks at a time. I tell them I will miss them, and I will, but I do not feel an ounce of guilt or a gram of sadness while I’m gone. I am a mother, and I like adventures.
Our confidence does not come from our appearance.
This is a tricky one! Especially with a daughter. I’ve talked about buying a capsule wardrobe for my kids on several occasions. One of the reasons I do this, aside from the mental load reduction, is that I don’t want my daughter to build her confidence from what she is wearing. That should be the least interesting thing about the young woman I’m raising. So far, this is going beautifully. My daughter is almost 9 and I have never, ever, heard her remark on her own looks.
There are no gender roles.
In our household, each person plays to their joys and strengths rather than defaulting to stereotypical task assignment. My husband is an amazing sports parent—he fills out every form, orders uniforms, goes to team practices. I am an amazing handyperson. I change the lightbulbs, hang all the pictures, unclog the drains. And, if I want something moved, I want it moved right now.
You can be bad at things you enjoy tremendously.
For all the talk I do about tennis, you’d think I was training for Wimbledon Seniors. No such thing, but also, I’m a late-in-life tennis player, and in the grand scheme of things, not particularly good. But aside from my family, there is nothing I love as much as tennis. I tell my kids about every match I lose, and I do it with zest.
Reading is a hobby not a chore.
There is always a book on my nightstand, and when I’m engrossed in a page-turner, they know Mama is reading and can’t be interrupted (just kidding, they still interrupt me). Since my kids were tiny, books have been the singular category where there’s no skimping. If they ask for a book, I buy it. Without tracking or prescribing a set number of reading minutes, they have both become voracious readers.
We eat things that are good for us and food that tastes good.
There are no absolutes like “Mama doesn’t eat carbs” or “Mama doesn’t like desserts”. I was obsessive about food in my 20s, banning carbs for long stretches (my husband says I was cranky because of it). Having kids pushed me away from absolutes in the best way. I eat everything from salads to ice cream cones. I do make a point of saying out loud, “I’m full,” and then stopping.
Work, and making money, is part of life.
I want my kids to understand why I don’t pick them up from school, why I sometimes work nights and weekends, and why I’m occasionally stressed. It’s not their fault—it’s a realistic part of life that work sometimes takes priority. I bring them to campus a few times each semester to sit in on a class or hang out during office hours, so they see the students I work with and understand that I’m doing meaningful work outside our home. Still, I don’t want work to define me (or, one day, them). That’s why I hobby. Next!
Hobbies are fundamental to being a Whole Human.
Here’s a plot twist! Sometimes my kids watch me play a sport, instead of me watching them. My husband will stop by a tennis match and let them cheer me on. Our kids know that we love our tennis teams (and dad loves his summer golf league). They know we love to play singles together for date night. They are my number one fans of my Instagram hobby series and watch each video several times. I am positive they will carry a lasting love for hobbies.
Your take home assignment
I bet you don’t give yourself credit for even a fraction of the incredible things you are modeling for your kids. Take five minutes to jot down what they see most weeks. That is what you’re modeling just by living your family life. If you want an accountability buddy for noodling on this, add what you model into the comments.
We don’t have to be gentle parents who narrate the changing colors of leaves to make an impact in our children’s lives.
Confidently yours,
Marina
P.S. You can do something to help me that will take you less than 1 second. Please give this post a ❤️ if you found it valuable. It really, truly helps with discovery. 🙏
What I’m reading:
I finished Snowball (recommend) and started Greenlights. I read a biography or non-fiction on my Kindle Paperwhite as my simmer down nightly sleep aid.
Jen wrote “Is everyone else rich?” and it should be required reading for my college students. Great reminder on the value of a dollar and why I write Workhorses Only.
Meighan wrote “why i am quitting rent the runway after 2 months, again”. I’m indebted to her because now I can link to the post to explain why I don’t use a clothing rental service.
What I am wearing from my own closet:
I’m a proud re-wearer of this scoop neck bodysuit and am pulling it out twice a week. Also, white skirts are infinitely easier than white linen pants (pocket lines, wrinkles, and so unforgiving). Classic option under $100, I’m wearing a white skirt with blue embroidery under $40!
This navy linen Tuckernuck dress is pricey but timeless. I wore it on a working mom’s panel and had a loose, cool fit on a humid southern night. I’ll also wear with flat sandals for a more casual look. Before any event, I do my ride-or-die Clarins depuff mask (rarely on sale, take advantage).
My secret hack for looking put together is a dress like this red and white one with the scalloped pockets. I want to look neat but like I’m not trying too hard. This dress is made with a thicker (but breathable) material that doesn’t wrinkle.
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I'm not at the parent stage of life yet, but did just send to my partner as an "aid" to the conversations we've had around raising our future family! Thank you for putting so much thought into what you produce!!
I love this post… so many good nuggets. I sent it to 4 people!